Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric hotline…

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press; no one will answer!

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