The presidential parody

Someone once said that politics is a big joke. But perhaps the biggest joke of all is when George Bush gets elected to a second term. Judging by how things are going at press time, it looks like we’re all going to have a good laugh.

Whether the US Presidential election is an exercise in choosing the lesser of two evils is another matter. If voting changes anything, they’d make it illegal. To minimise disputes over hanging chad, I decided to arbitrarily determine the winner in this mug-slinging contest.

LOOKS
I’m quite unwilling to make the call for this department, because frankly speaking the two candidates have little between them. Literally. Give us Martin Sheen or Bill Clinton (never mind his gallivanting ways) any day.
Round one: TIE

INTELLIGENCE
There have been 12 presidents in the United States over the past 50 years. Their IQs, in chronological order, are as follows: Franklin Roosevelt (142), Harry Truman (132), Dwight Eisenhower (122), John Kennedy (174), Lyndon Johnson (126), Richard Nixon (155), Gerald Ford (121), Jimmy Carter (175), Ronald Reagan (105), George H.W. Bush (98), Bill Clinton (182), George W. Bush (91). Blame it on heredity, but it’s understandable how Bush Junior could have underperformed someone with Alzheimer’s when he has such an “illustrious” track record of blunders. Example: www.theregister.co.uk/2004/08/11/bush_gets_soverized/. Kerry’s no better, if you believe what’s posted at this site: www.vdare.com/sailer/kerry_iq_lower.htm. Still, we decided to give Kerry the benefit of doubt.
Round two: KERRY

FUND-RAISING CAPABILITY
Bush raised US$360,651,752 while Kerry’s total receipts was pegged at US$317,788,245. The incumbent by a whisker; no cash & Kerry.
Round three: BUSH

FUN-RAISING CAPABILITY
With four years in office under his belt, it comes as no surprise that there are more parody sites, games, and animations dedicated to Bush. One of the most popular online diversions comes from JibJab Media whose Flash animation parody features Bush and Kerry taking pot shots at each other to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”. Also check out www.bushin30seconds.org/.
Round four: BUSH

TECH SAVVINESS
When online tech job board Dice.com asked its users which candidate seems to be the most tech-savvy, 42% picked Kerry and 21% went for Bush. Sure, beating the man who “invented” the Internet during the last election was no mean feat, but we think Bush has “kerried” it too far with his Hunchback of Notre Dame impersonation. Despite speculations of a Prompter-gate scandal, we believe the mysterious bulge in the back of Bush’s jacket during the presidential debate is simply a migratory pack of cigarettes that was originally tucked under his shoulder pad.
Round five: KERRY

There you have it! The result is too close to call, so we may have to do a recount.